Top Ten: Things Mac the Dog is Afraid Of

Our dog Mac is many things. “Good guard dog” is not one of them.

Top Ten Fears of Mac the Dog

10. Thunderstorms – not scoring many points for originality here, Mac, but I think it’s cute the way you try to hide under the wicker chair outside our front door with only your little brown butt sticking out.

9. Public speaking - I try to convince him that this one's not true, but between you and me, not the most eloquent dog I've ever heard.

8. Rhinoceroses – I actually have no idea whether this is true, since Busia is running short on rhinos right now. But in the Mac vs. Rhino scenario in my mind, I’m betting on the one that didn't once try to pick a fight with a gecko. And lose.

7. Boda-bodas - these are little bicycle taxis that zip up and down the one road that goes through Busia (let's get historical--"boda-boda" comes from a Kenyan-ized version of "border-border", since the bicycles used to be known as the vehicle of choice for smuggling goods to Uganda and back--bam! etymologized!). You sit on a little cushion mounted above the back wheel, and the driver will pedal you anywhere in town for the equivalent of about 20 US cents. Boda drivers have some freakish aversion to the law of supply and demand, because if you put every resident of Busia on the back of a boda, there would probably still be enough boda drivers left over to (a) solve Kenya's massive deficit of primary and secondary school teachers, (b) invade a small country (I hear Vanuatu doesn't put up much of a fight), AND (c) set a world record for the world's longest massage chain (wait...someone already has that??). Oh, and once Mac ran away from home and got hit by a boda boda and now he never leaves the yard. The end.

6. Lady Gaga – aren’t we all?

5. My roommate Eric – who may or may not encourage this phobia by running at the dog and waving his arms like crazy and yelling "Baaaaaaah Mac!" every time we leave the house.

4. Corrupt, unaccountable government - I like to think of him as the politically savvy type.

3. Umbrellas - particularly that terrifying whooshing sound they make when they open. He gave me a wide berth for a week after I accidentally surprised him by shaking out my bumbershoot on the porch after a thunderstorm (see #10).

2. Staying still for any discernible length of time - what follows are my first five attempts at taking a photo of Mac sitting nicely:

1. Frogs – and it's not even close. The funny thing about this one is how he never remembers how deathly afraid of them he is, so whenever we catch one in the house and release it into the yard, he immediately sprints over to investigate, sticking his nose as close as caninely possible to the thing. When the frog inevitably decides it prefers a little more personal space and starts hopping away, Mac gets all like "OMG WHAAAAAAAAT THE #&*% IS GOING ON HERE!?!!!??" and decides he could use a bit of a bigger buffer zone himself. Like ten yards worth.

Love you Mac! Now go stand guard with Philip, I think I hear a rhino coming.